Candle Wax

Time…

It passes without my permission.

Fleeting moments,

Words left unsaid,

Perfect timing left up to fate.

All because fear steals time away from us.

I’ve participated in relationships where no sex was involved, but I was manipulated and gaslit the worst. My mind was convinced the other participant had my best interests at heart. Simply because my body wasn’t being taken advantage of or exploited to their own gain. They loved me, did they not?

I’ve been betrayed the worst by relationships that had no label. We call those situationships. Devoted loyalty was pledged from my heart to theirs because they confided in me, curating me as their hidden diary. When I so desperately was hoping to become a published book with the author’s claim upon my front cover for the world to see who owned me.

I’ve suffered the most rejection within committed relationships. Just a dog sitting in the house, collar so tight, it starts to embed its fibers within the skin of my neck. Getting yelled at to go lay down because I was refused access outside. Need I say much more?

Like salt in the wound, it burns each and every time until eventually my body and emotions went into anaphylactic shock.

But, no one saved me.

I’ve experienced heartbreak so tragic, it killed me.

I witnessed my own death as if I was the murderer.

The first boy I loved ended up putting me in positions where I would wish I wasn’t alive. I wanted to be so desperately loved by him. It was all my heart wanted; as if he was my escape to freedom. So, I allowed him to use me as if I was a toy to play with in the hands of a kid who had no manners or respect.

The second boy I loved simply treated me like a human being. The bare minimum. He treated me with the decent respect and care any person should receive, yet, I thought it was the best I could get.

My bar was set so low, to be treated human felt like royalty.